


Safety Not Guaranteed

by MissMerkin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aged-Up Character, Alternate Universe, Multi, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-21
Updated: 2012-09-21
Packaged: 2017-11-14 17:42:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/517852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMerkin/pseuds/MissMerkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A play off of the film of the same name. Jade was just searching for something to do with the rest of her life. Rose was just looking for the plot for her new best seller. And Karkat was just hoping that someone would touch his penis and not feel deeply ashamed about it afterwards. A mysterious stranger with an even more confounding plan seeks to change all of that. But will it be for the better?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safety Not Guaranteed

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dear reader. If you're anything like me, you'll most likely skip this and cross your fingers for hot sexy porn as you read on. Unfortunately, the hot sex will not occur until a few more chapters in! Sorry about your boner! You'll persevere somehow , dear horny reader!
> 
> This fanfic is loosely based off the 2012 film "Safety Not Guaranteed" starring Aubrey Plaza and Mark Duplass. If you haven't seen it, it's a fantastic film and more than worth the watch.

Chapter 1

WANTED:  
Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED. I have only done this once before.

"What skills do you possess?"

"Urmmmm... I'd have to say none really?" Jade twined her khaki skirt nervously between her slender fingers, adorned with an assortment of multicolored rings. Her little reminders always calmed her nerves some, especially with the prior knowledge that this answer almost never landed well with a potential employer.

"None?" The interviewer cocked her head, one eyebrow visibly straining above the other. She sighed, eyeing the dark-haired girl with an all too familiar vexation and reluctance. Jade exhaled deeply, feeling a nagging discomfort under the woman's scrutinizing gaze.

"Yes, none. I can't say I've acquired any skill sets that pertain to this particular line of work."

"Well then," The interviewer paused, rather violently scratching out different areas of the form she'd been marking up since the beginning of the interview. Jade almost swore she saw the woman quickly scribble 'no way in hell' somewhere in the margins. "If nothing else, I've appreciated your brutal honesty. We'll make sure to contact you within the next 48 hours if you are able to secure the position." She quickly stood, smoothing out the creases in her pristine navy-coloured skirt suit before extending her hand out quickly in a practiced and precise courtesy. Jade swiftly mirrored the action, grasping her palm in a handshake she hoped would not come across as being too bold or domineering. She was a virtually unhirable prospect at this point, but god knows it didn't stop her from exerting at least the slightest effort to convey an air of professionalism and experience. 

"Thank you very much for your time today, Ms. Harley." As their cordial exchange concluded, Jade pushed in the chair she'd occupied for the last thirty agonizing minutes of her life, and bowed her head slightly to the woman as a courtesy.

"Thank you for your time as well ma'am. I hope I can still be considered for a position here at this company." The interviewer grimaced for for a slight moment, then contorted it into a rather grotesque excuse for a smile, filled to the brim with pity, nodding a small affirmation. Jade exited quickly, muttering a goodbye before tottering toward the lift and allowing the scowl that had been setting under her features for the last few months overtake her face.

Jade Harley was generally the kind of person whose cheerful and genial disposition preceded her as a rather strong reputation. She'd been called odd and eccentric, aggressive even, but no one would have ever put Jade Harley and dour in the same sentence until 2 months ago.

After years of pressure from her best friends, and the final insistence of her Great Aunt Jane who she had re-established contact with after almost a lifetime apart, Jade had decided to leave the island she'd solely inhabited ever since her grandfather's passing when she was barely 8. Due to the lack of public schooling where she lived, everything Jade had learned through the years had been through the internet. She'd acquired her high school diploma at the age of 15. Striving to continue her education, she'd become extremely proficient in the study of quantum mechanics, and had published papers on the matter that far surpassed the written quality of some, if not most people who had worked in the field for half their lives.

Unfortunately, all of her whiz kid capabilities didn't amount to much of anything without a degree to back them up. Jade couldn't really see herself as a stuffy, somber intellectual type of person, so the prospect of higher education was a daunting one. She wanted to see the world over and write at length about her travels so other people could be inspired to take their own journeys. Since the occupation of 'world explorer' was only seen as viable for adorable cartoon children who teach Basic Spanish to pre-school aged kids, she believed pursuing a career as a writer to be the first and most logical step towards her dream.

Jade was mostly by herself on the island she'd once called home, aside from the occasional barge or ship of wayward travelers, and her late dog and guardian of sorts, Bec. Her Great Aunt's call from almost out of nowhere, Bec's passing, and the constant suggestion of her friends, Rose and John, were the last big step in determining to make the move away from the only place she'd ever lived in her 22 years. 

She'd first met the pair over the internet over ten years prior. John, whom she first encountered when they were both just 11, was almost like a long lost brother to her. She taken a small interest in the paranormal after her grandfather's death, sometimes believing she could feel his presence around the den late at night, previously his favorite room in the house. Jade began to frequent a forum on ghosts and spirits, where a young John Egbert had already carved a nice little reputation out as a top commenter. His obsession with the film Ghostbusters had initially fueled his passion for the paranormal, but made him no less credible than any other self-professed expert with a camera and a blog. Jade left an extensive comment in a forum about Parapsychology’s latest findings on apparitions, and after some heated discussion, they'd hit it off. He'd introduced her to the 'finer points' of popular culture, via the entire film anthology of Nicolas Cage, was an incurable prankster and jokester, and had the ability to be heart wrenchingly genuine and kind at times. Rose would join the motley crue but a few months later, with Jade stumbling upon her creative writing blog, and falling absolutely in love with it. After chatting about Lovecraftian influence in modern literature for hours, Jade got the niggling feeling in the pit of her stomach that she may have found lifelong friends.

She was not incorrect by any means. She soon introduced Rose to John through her preferred chat client, Pesterchum, and the pair had got on just as quickly as she had with the both of them, albeit with a bit more teasing and psychological warfare flung across the aisle. At least they had her to mediate if things got too ridiculous between the two personalities.

Through the years, they'd become a tightly knit unit. Many a night was spent talking over Pesterchum about any and everything. Life, love, death; nothing was off the table. Mr. Egbert and Mrs. Lalonde, both concerned and caring parental figures in their own rights, made sure to check in on her whenever possible, sending her beautiful and thoughtful care packages on occasion. When she had just turned 14, Jade got her first invitation to spend her Christmas holiday in Ithaca for a joint Christmas with the Egbert/Lalondes.

She'd never been more ecstatic in her life. When the offer had been extended to her for the next year, and the year after that, and so on, she was in near hysterics at the airport gate, having to have Mrs. Lalonde escort her on to the plane out of fear she wouldn’t be able to board herself. She'd found a family that was perfect in their own right. She'd been alone, but she'd never really felt lonely until she knew what familial love was like. Rose and John had given that experience to her. She was eternally grateful. The trips out had become a frequent occurrence, and Rose had began to nag at her more and more often about permanently coming stateside.

"You know just as well as I do that Bec loves the island!" Jade protested, pouting a bit for added effect. "I couldn't move him now. It'd break his heart!" At this point in her life, Jade had been but a few weeks away from eighteen, the age where Grandpa Harley's inheritance would be passed down to her in full, a grand sum that would excite the vast majority of kids her age, but only served to make her increasingly nervous. It didn’t help that Bec's hip dysplasia was becoming more and more prominent by the day and the cataracts forming over his eyes were transforming from a slight cloudy tint to a milky white color. The stress she felt from both these happenings were too overwhelming to add the issue of moving into the mix. Rose nodded in understanding, running her slim fingers through Jade's thick, dark brown hair. 

"Y'know girlie, you've always had the best heart out of all of us." Jade snuggled up closer to her friend on the red loveseat that seemed to overwhelm the living room. As Rose pecked her lightly on the head, she thought about how huge the chair once seemed to her. Her gaze shifted to John, snoring lightly, his lithe, lanky form strewn aimlessly about the couch. He had grown so much since their adolescence, surpassing her in height by at least an entire foot. Things had changed so much. They had changed.

As Jade began to drift off, she twined her fingers in Rose's. She promised herself on that day that the weight in her palm would not become an unfamiliar one.

When Bec passed away only a few months later, John and Rose made sure they were there by her side. It made burying her first and finest friend much easier than it would have been. Rose grasped her hand tightly, locking their fingers as they looked down somberly on the newly formed plot of dirt amongst the stunning tropical flora. John placed his arm snugly around her shoulders. In that moment, with the familiar weight in her grasp, she knew where she truly resided. She'd need time, of course, to settle everything on the island, but she was ready.

Her great aunt was just the last push toward the edge, and she looked down at her new life reflected back up at her with relish.

\----

The idealism that had given her steam initially was fading fast as she tanked one job interview after the next. As her rainboots plodded down the damp walkways towards the loft she shared with her friends, her thoughts kept flashing back to when she'd first moved to Portland. When Jade had made up her mind to pursue writing as her life’s path, Rose was immediately there with a bevy of recommendations. Rose casual fan-fiction about wizards and grand adventures had caught the eye of a publisher looking for their ‘next big thing’, and asked her for a book, a bestseller about kids with paranormal powers saving the world from it’s imminent demise via meteoric catastrophe. She’d been in a number of big publications, notably Time Magazine proclaiming that Rose was “the second coming of J.K. Rowling”. She’d been on the bestseller list now for the last four months, and was now in the initial talks for a movie deal, while in talks for her next big epic novel. Writing was scheduled to begin sometime that year, and Rose asked Jade on as her full-time assistant so she could shadow the process, from first drafts to publication.

“You’ll get to see inner-workings of the monster most people only get to glimpse, Jade.” she stated. “Also, I would adore having you on for this next project. I think you’ll be a little better at handling my moods than my last assistant was. She was a sweetheart, but as you know, I am absolutely unbearable to be around when i’m in deep end of a project.” Jade snickered.

“I wouldn’t say absolutely unbearable... just mostly.” she retorted, a big grin on her face. Jade had hopped at the chance, seeing as she was just about to finalize her move and would be a west coast resident in less than two weeks time.

It had been decided; she was to assist and shadow Rose throughout the entire process of writing her next big book. Jade was pumped. That is, until she was informed exactly when her start date would be.

Vriska Serket, Rose’s publicist, had insisted upon taking a 3-month-long, nationwide book tour, due to the insane amount of press the novel had been getting in the last few months alone, and the finalization if the movie deal she’d been shopping around. It was set to be huge, and great for business, but Rose had not been very enthused about the strenuous press tour that was to be imposed on her in the least.

“Jade, sweetie, please realize that if I could legally take a hammer to both of Stinket’s kneecaps, I would in a nanosecond.” she stated apologetically, Vriska snarling in the background. Jade had already met Vriska twice since her move. She was a little vicious and conniving at times, but Jade could see that she worked extremely hard and genuinely cared about who she represented. She was actually the first person outside of her immediate circle of friends to greet her upon her arrival with a lovely housewarming gift.

“It’s a muffin basket.” she explained, hesitantly placing the gaudy wicker and cellophane cradle filled with baked goods on the countertop. “Everyone always seems to like them, so I hope you will too. Whatever.” She then proceeded to quickly type out a text to someone Jade believed wasn’t really contacting her at that moment to put a damper on the potential awkwardness of the presentation. Jade thought it was incredibly endearing, even if Rose remarked it was just a ‘cheap ploy she uses to make herself appear human’.

It was her ‘take no prisoners’ attitude that made Vriska a force not soon to be reckoned with in the literary world, and why she and Rose worked well together, even though they only tolerated each other for the most part. She and John were super chummy, despite Rose’s protests, and hung out often, united by their shared love of the film Con Air and that they both were active member’s of Portland Live Action Roleplaying guild.

“That’s by no means necessary, babe!” Jade exclaimed, unconsciously shaking her head back and forth, Rose did possess quite the penchant for hyper-violent musings. “I’m honestly just happy you had all last week to help me move in, especially with that big meeting in LA you turned down! What the hell made you do that again?”

“Honestly Harley, you’re my best gal.” Rose sighed, twisting a strand of short platinum hair between her fingers, “Those dickbag executives would have to suck human excrement through a silly straw to even steal away a second of the time we have together.” Jade could hear Vriska emit an audible of disgust and disapproval through the receiver. She bit back her laughter, while Rose chuckled warmly on the other end.

“You wanted to make your career in the presence of writers, Serket.” Rose said mockingly. “Surely you’ve come to expect a more dynamic and colorful vocabulary from me? Hmmmm?”

“Better watch the sass there, Rosie,” Vriska retorted, tapping out a quick message on her phone loudly enough for Jade to pick up. “Don’t forget who makes the last call on meal accommodations. Keep fucking with me blondie, and you won’t see resturant rated over 3 stars ‘till we cross back over the Oregon state line.”

“You wouldn’t.” Rose stated skeptically.”You don’t have the ovaries.” Vriska cackled lightly.

You’ve tasted my mother’s cooking. 23 years of that shit, Lalonde, my stomach is an impenetrable fortress. I have bowels of iron! My eating habits would ruin you, princess.”

“Children, children!” Jade interjected, stifling giggles. “You don’t know how reassuring it is to hear you two getting along, and I hate to break things up, but I am still on the line.” 

“Hold on Jade, just gotta tear Stinket a new asshole right quick, then I’m all ears.” Rose replied. Jade rolled her eyes. What drama queens.

“Anyyyways,” Jade continued, disrupting the continuation of their bickering from before. “I was thinking of getting a job, y’know, just so I’m not hanging around the house for the next three months. Not that it was an unwelcomed prospect, but she preferred to not be an unsociable hermit so soon after her arrival in her brand new city. 

“Are you sure?” Rose asked, a twinge of concern in her voice. “It’s pretty difficult to find a job right now. Also, I think you’re gonna need a couple years of university under your belt before just anyone lets you poke and prod at nuclear reactors.”

“I know that, you dork!” Jade laughed. “I just want to occupy my time with something semi-fulfilling, even if I don’t necessarily need the funds. Gramps more than took care of that...”

“Hey Jade, if you feel like pounding out a book in the next three months instead of job searching, I can preemptively pick up that title for you!” Vriska suggested. “It seems my current client and I don’t really see eye to eye on things.” She paused, presumably to lean in closer to the phone.

“She beats me.” Vriska stage whispered. “She’s a tyrant. Save me Harley! OH GOD NO. NOT AGAIN. ANYTHING BU-”

“Sorry my dear, sweet Jade,” Rose seized control of the conversation again, Vriska jokingly yelling pleas for help in the background. “It looks like we have a plane to catch! And just when this conversation was getting good. Gosh darn it!” 

“I’m sure you’ll live.” Jade replied, the laughter still in her tone. “ Now Vriska on the other hand...”

“If either of you end up taking me to court, I’ll deny everything.” Rose deadpanned. “I’ll call you when we land in New York. Okay?”

“Sure!” Jade said. “Just make sure Mama Lalonde knows I said hello!”

“Oh she’ll make damn sure of that.” Rose said, feigned exasperation in her tone. “Have a wonderful day, Harley!”

“I will, and you do the same!” she replied jovially. “Take care of each other, you crazy kids!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Rose interjected. “Don’t do anything you wouldn’t do, right?”

“Damn straight, miss missy!” Jade said laughing lightly. Rose chuckled once more before hanging up, leaving Jade to her own devices. She set the phone down next to her open laptop, perching on one of the stools set up next to the counter, and swiveling slightly back and forth while she scrolled through the prospective positions. Rose wasn’t joking; the market was god awful. She sighed deeply, throwing her head back in exasperation when she caught the light from her phone’s screen flash twice, indicating a new text. She swiped the phone from its place, and read the message

Vriska: I swear to god Harley, if you write even a single paragraph right now i won’t just publish it for you, i’ll eat you out right where you stand. deal? just PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME GET ON THIS PLANE WITH THIS PSYCHOPATH

Jade let out a big whoop of a laugh. Dorks.  
\----

Jade noted the familiar scenery out the window to her right, and jolted upright suddenly. She’d almost missed her stop while too caught up in her own memories. Shit, that could have been crazy bad. A middle-aged woman across the aisle from her shot her a concerned look. Jade nodded, smiling back at her with what she hoped was a sunny face. The woman shrugged, pleased with the returned gesture, and went back to scrolling through her phone. Portland and its citizenry had for the most part, been kind to her, which she was grateful for. John had informed her that Seattle was a little bit more crazy and ‘murder-ey’(his words) and when Jade asked Rose how she thought she’d fair in Manhattan, she tilted her head back and laughed for ten straight minutes.

Jade went ahead and took that as a big, fat “not well”.

So the fact that nearly everyone had been decent was a relief to her. Except for those ‘too cool for school’ type people. John called them “hipsters”. Jade argued “doofuses” was a more appropriate term. John agreed. As she exited the train, one of these so-called hipster dudes gave her the once over. She evaded his gaze, not particularly wanting to start up any conversation. Sure, she was single, and sex and dating interested her as much as it did any other healthy adult woman, but she couldn’t really find someone who genuinely struck her fancy. Everyone she’d met was either far too into themselves or maintaining their lifestyle, or at least maintained the illusion of one. As she caught herself in a reflecting wall near the exit of the station, she took a moment to evaluate her appearance. 

Well, she didn’t look too bad. If she were being honest, not too shabby in the least. The circular frames that once dominated her face had been swapped for an adorable, semi-translucent, bright red retro style with a pretty silver lens frame she’d spotted on her first visit to her new optometrist. Her wild, waist length mane, once a point of pride, had become rather cumbersome and difficult to maintain, and she’d opted to have it cut into a long, shaggy bob haircut which made her look like the cool, sassy protagonist of a crime fighting show where she got cool one liners and vowed to never use a gun unless absolutely necessary. A tan trench coat and black wellies with a ladybug print completed the look. It was a bit of a drastic change from something her thirteen year old self would don, but hey, she was a grown ass woman, and if she had wanted to totally switch up her style, donate the bulk of her hair to charity, and wear rain boots with silly patterns, she’d do it if it damn well pleased her, and it did.

This self-affirming mental speech did wonders for Jade’s mood, as she strutted confidently to her building, not a fuck to be had in the world. When she opened her door, the lovely and overwhelming scent of mexican cuisine filled her nostrils. John was cooking, and this day just went from okay to good to great.

“Lover!” Jade cried out. “What on god’s green earth are you making for your wonderful breadwinner here?”

“Fajitas, mi amor!” He yelled back. “I’ve been slaving all day over this hot stove to make them just how you like them!” John, a nursing school student who spend the vast majority of his time either in residence, or stuck in some overly complex medical journal, was full of shit, and had by some miracle had started to create this meal no more than 30 minutes before she walked in. Both of the Egbert men had a natural talent and grace in the culinary arts the likes of which she’d never acquire, no matter how many lessons John had given her on the basics. Kicking off her boots with great relish, she scuttled across the hardwood floors of the apartment in a mad dash, flinging her arms around John’s shoulders.

“Jegus christ, Jade!” John hollered, turning his attention back to the steak he was preparing. “Getting a bit heavy there, ol’ gal!”

“I’m not sure exactly what you mean there, Johnathan.” she replied coyly, hopping up slightly to wrap her legs around his waist in a full piggyback position. “I’m so not heavy, right? You can barely feel this, huh?” Jade laughed while John let out an audible ‘oof’, shifting back and forth to find a comfortable position at which to hold the girl currently taking up all the available space on his back. 

“Okay there, spider monkey.” John sighed. “You’re so light, light as a feather. Holy crap, are you on my back right now? Didn’t even notice, that’s how light you are.” Jade craned up and over John’s head, giving him a quick peck on the nose before hopping down.

“I’ve taught you well, Luke.” she said, patting his shoulder. “Only use your force powers for good now, you hear? You can’t just be compelling folks left and right.” John laughed, his eyes crinkling at the sides.

“Sure thing there, Yoda.” he replied. “By the way, chicken or beef?”

“Both!” she answered back with no hesitation. “It’s like you don’t know me at all!” 

“I’m hurt, Jade! Would a stranger save this morning’s funnies just for you?” John asked her, turning around to quirk his eyebrow with a devilish grin on his face. Jade lit up and dived for the paper on the countertop, tucking into it like a long lost friend.

“You’re golden, Egbert” she said, preemptively thumbing through the contents, before diving in. “I’d wife the shit out of you, even if you were pregnant.” John faked a swoon, fanning his face and proclaiming “ooh harley ooh you’re such a gentleman” before turning his attention back to the stove. 

Jade had already located all her favorites. Suddenly, she spotted a weird, rather uncommon pair of words bolded out of the corner of her eye. It was one of those bolded ‘wanted’ ads that people paid for if they were starting an odd job that needed a client base, or were trying to sell an antique lamp collection. Jade read over the passage with hungry eyes.

WANTED:  
Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED. I have only done this once before.

..What?

Time travel?

WHAT???

Jade read the passage over three more times, just to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. Was this dude for real?

“John” she called, getting a small ‘hmmm’ in response. “Did you see this ad for the guy who asking for a time travel buddy?” 

John let out a small chuckle. “Yeah, I did! You think he’s serious about it, Harley Davidson?”

“Apparently he’s serious as a fucking heart attack, Long John Silver! He put a contact number down and everything!” Jade exclaimed, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Who would do this. Some kind of jokester? A complete lunatic? Someone utterly starved for attention? Whoever this punk was, and whatever he was really looking for, he sounded like a real character.

Oh. A real character? That was a thought.

Jade smirked to herself, squirming excitedly in her seat. This could be good. Really good. Rose would fucking flip over it.

Jade pulled her cell from her coat pocket, snapping a quick picture of the ad and sending it to Rose with the caption “don’t say i never did u any favors rolal <3”. She placed her phone down with a satisfying thud, content that this idea, while crazy sounding, was a total winner. She read the name and number attached to the ad one last time, an ominous feeling building in the pit of her stomach.

Call 1-800-XXX-XXXX for further information. Ask for D. Strider.


End file.
